On Love University, we had the great pleasure of having an amazing interview with Dr. John Gray, one of the most influential self-help/relationship authors in the last century. In a jam-packed and enlightening discourse about Dr. Gray’s groundbreaking new book, Beyond Mars and Venus, we learned great wisdom about male-female relationships and how to have deeper love and greater sex and intimacy. Here are some of the secrets we discovered at Love University with Dr. Gray:
Why Women are Becoming More Masculine and Men More Feminine: According to Dr. Gray, society has guided women onto their male side by encouraging work and independence (which is a great thing), but has not supported them to return to their female side of nurturing and love when they get home from work. Therefore, women are more stressed than ever, suffering from more health problems usually seen in men, and having difficulties in their romantic relationships. In the same way, men have been guided by society to their feminine side (which can be a wonderful thing) by embracing home chores and child care, but they are not always encouraged to replenish their male energies (go into their “cave” and tinker with toys, driving, sports, aggressive humor with other men, competitive activities based on competence, and reading and meditating for more Introverted men). If men don’t replenish their male side, says Dr. Gray, they feel weaker, less capable of protecting and providing for their loved ones, and less attracted to their mates.
How to Balance our Masculine and Feminine Energies to Have Great Relationships: Dr. Gray teaches that both men and women need to balance their masculine sides (assertive, competent, confident) with their feminine sides (yielding, nurturing, receptive) to be happy with themselves and in their relationships. According to Dr. Gray, men have 10 to 50 times more testosterone than women, and it’s important that they keep their testosterone levels high to be healthy and happy by feeling successful and needed. On the other hand, women need 10x more estrogen than men for their well-being and they need 20x more estrogen to fall in love when they’re with a man who makes them feel safe and secure.
Why A Man’s Ejaculation During Sex Can Lower His Charisma and Confidence: According to Dr. Gray, when a man ejaculates during sex, his testosterone levels decrease significantly (as much as 50% by the next day). As a result, after ejaculation during sex, he feels the need to pull away and be by himself for a while to replenish his testosterone, while the woman usually wants to cuddle because the bonding hormone, oxytocin, has increased her estrogen levels (she feels good). Dr. Gray says that by not ejaculating during the first 6 days of the week, on the 7th day, the man’s testosterone level doubles—thereby making him more charismatic, confident, and attractive. Dr. John talks about his program that can help men have satisfying sex daily without ejaculating, while helping a woman have multiple orgasms.
*How A Man Can Contribute to a Woman’s Emotional and Sexual Happiness: According to Dr. John Gray, there are a few simple things a man can do to help raise his woman’s emotional and sexual happiness. These include complimenting her (“I love you; you’re beautiful”), hugging her in a nonsexual way, and listening to her expressing her emotions without judgement. These activities increase estrogen in her and make her feel more attracted to him. In one excellent exercise for couples, Dr. Gray outlines an estrogen-increasing paradigm for women in their relationships. Step one: She vents emotionally about something aside from her partner (he listens) for about 8 minutes. Step Two: She talks for two minutes about positive things; what’s she grateful for in life and in the relationship. Step Three: He hugs her. Step Four: They separate for a while (to prevent him from trying to fix things)—then they come back together again.
The Secrets of Lasting Soul Mate Relationships—the New Mating Paradigm in the Age of Technology: According to Dr. Gray, the old paradigm of role mate relationships (woman relies on man as a provider to be happy; he relies on her as a homemaker to be happy) has given way to a new soul mate relationship: men and women provide emotional support to each other through intimacy and authenticity. The soul mate relationship fosters a greater sense of freedom, interdependence, passion, and sexual intimacy because the partners are not tied to a specific role to be happy. According to Dr. Gray, a couple can still have a traditional relationship (he’s the provider; she stays home with the children) within a soul mate relationship in which both partners help each other grow emotionally and psychologically.
Yes, it is possible to have lasting passion and romance in our love relationships today. The key is to balance our male and female sides and take time to replenish our masculine/feminine energies (respectively for males and females), while respecting our partner and giving them loving energy without expectation. By developing a greater sense of empathy, we can see our partner’s side and needs, and by fostering greater compassion, we can do what we can to relieve their suffering and bring them joy as they bring us joy.
Here’s to a forever Valentine’s day for you and your present (or future) soul mate. Enjoy!