You Will Find Your People: Eliminate Loneliness And Find Wonderful Friends, With Special Guest, Lane Moore, Award-winning Actress And Comedian (”tinder Live”)
Have you ever felt lonely? Do you ever wish you could find more (and better) friends? Our guest on Love University Podcast, Lane Moore (lanemoore.org), shared some of her secrets for finding (and keeping) great friends. Lane is an award-winning actress (HBO, “Girls”), comedian (“Tinder Live”), musician (“It Was Romance”), and writer (Sex and Relationships editor for Cosmopolitan) who specializes in friendship and dating advice. Here’s what we learned about “finding your people”—those wonderful friends you can resonate with on a deep level:
*Be a friend to yourself first. In Lane’s first book, “How to Be Alone,” she explained how important it is to be comfortable with your aloneness and to treat yourself well, as a friend (take time to relax, say affirming things to yourself; give yourself self-care time). Once you’re a good friend to yourself, you will set a higher standard for how others should treat you. You can recognize when your “friend” is not treating you as well as you treat yourself.
*Be empathetic. To have great friends, you need to be a great friend. One of the best ways to do this is to practice empathy—see the world from their perspective. Bring your friend their favorite coffee or music. Listen with full attentiveness to their problems, concerns, and sad tales. Even though you may not have experienced the same thing, you can empathize with them, “I can’t even imagine what that’s like—it sounds so painful.” This will bring you closer.
*Get a rescue dog and go to the dog park. Lane says that one of the best ways to make new friends is to spend time with a dog and other fellow dog lovers. Dogs are a great icebreaker and the unconditional love between you and your dog can help you be more open to loving other people.
*Be wary of “good friends on paper.” Some friends seem on the surface like they would be good for you—charming, attractive, successful—but in reality, they are only good in a theoretical sense (“on paper”). When you’re actually with them, you’re not happy most of the time, and they may be toxic for you (negative, backstabbing, critical, abusive). Here’s a clue: If they hate everyone else, but like you, be careful. They may turn against you as well. Avoid “good on paper friends,” and find real, authentic friends.
Solid and compatible friendships are the bedrock of a happy and productive life. Friends can even turn into long-term romantic partners and spouses and fill your life with joy. Develop friendships like you would build a romantic relationship. Find compatible people, set clear expectations and boundaries, be empathetic, compassionate, and loving, and realize when things aren’t working out and you need to move on to a more mutually fulfilling relationship. The bottom line is this: Be a friend to yourself, others, and the world—giving loving energy without expectation—and you will never be lonely again.